Where are You?

Expat Women Blogging

Chaos

My morning descended rapidly into chaos after the boys left on the school bus -- it's a good thing the oldest had unloaded the dishwasher.

First, I had to call my housekeeper (in Spanish) to tell her that the key would be at a neighbor's house because I would not be home.  Our conversation was cut off midstream, but we had covered all the important information, so I promptly made another call.

I had planned to go to work at a women's shelter with a friend and needed to see what time we were leaving.  No answer.

Which was a good thing because the doorbell was ringing.  I couldn't answer that right away, however, because the three-year-old was on the potty, yelling cheerily about his activities, and his calls had reached a fever pitch.

I dashed upstairs to make sure nothing untoward was happening.  False alarm, and I was sent packing by the three-year-old, who continued to holler out a blow-by-blow of his performance in the bathroom.

So then I opened the door.  It was the man who washed my car that morning; he was bringing me my change, returning a coffee cup, and wanted to chat (in Spanish) about the fact that next week he could use some rubbing compound on our car.

Great, but I had to run because the phone was ringing again.  Good-bye Manuel, thank you, dash to the phone.

It was my housekeeper again -- ever polite, she had called back simply to apologize for the break in the previous call and, inquiring politely and in an effort to help me with my Spanish, asked where I was going.

I thought about how to explain:  I'm going to a shelter for women and their families who are trying to break out of the sex trade.  We make beaded lanyards to sell to raise money both for the women and for the shelter.  They also learn trades like sewing, baking, etc.

I settled in Spanish for:  I'm going to San Jose with a friend.

She wasn't satisfied, and pressed for more details.  My Spanish was not up to the task.  I'm not sure what she understood me to say, but she helpfully provided the word "prostitute" when I stumbled, and along with me dredging up the word for "to help," she said she understood.  I'm not sure what she thinks we were doing this morning, but she approved.

I had to cut that call short because my three-year-old's cheerful yelling had taken on a plaintive tone, and he joined me where I was on the phone, minus several key articles of clothing, and with a suspiciously wet sock.

He had finished all that was necessary, and had apparently done some unnecessary things as well (hence the wet sock).  I didn't work too hard to untangle all the details; sometimes a mother just doesn't want to know.

So, a pair of dry socks and some clean clothes placed on the appropriate appendages and we were on our way.

Except for the crunching, grinding sound that met my ears when I tried to back out of the driveway.

It was a wheelbarrow; or what was left of one.  The groundskeeper for our condominio had parked it squarely behind my car and wandered off to have coffee.  The wheels still work, but he'll need a sledgehammer to make it usable again.

And it was only 8 a.m.

I think I'd just like to go back to bed.

The Haunting of my Garbage

I frightened him sometimes when I’d open the metal door to put my trash in the trash bin.  When we lived in Jakarta, I don’t remember that a trash truck ever came by, but all my trash somehow disappeared.  The moldy leftovers that had been forgotten for too long in my refrigerator, the fruit peelings, empty milk cartons, and the thousands of other things that were just so much detritus to be ejected from my home.  It all disappeared.

One of the biggest takers seemed to be a young boy, probably about eight years old.  I saw him several times; maybe he was just the least experienced.  Maybe in a few years, he’ll slip silently up and silently away and whoever it is who lives in my house now will never know he exists; never know he’s the one taking her stale bread and coffee grounds.

The first time I opened the metal door on my side of the 8 foot concrete wall, I found him, scrabbling around in the debris.  He looked up at me with wide, brown, startled eyes, his face smudged, his blue shirt filthy and torn, before scuttling away backwards, like a crab.  For my part, I stood in startled silence, the new trash bag dangling from my hand, my own eyes wide with surprise.

“Come back!”  I wanted to say.  “Come back, what do you need?  I have it, I’ll give it to you!”  But I spoke no Indonesian, and he was gone.

After that, I was embarrassed about the things I threw away.  They were still trash to me; I didn’t want them, but I was embarrassed to set them out for him to find as treasures, squashed between the JC Penney catalog and the scrambled eggs my son hadn’t wanted for dinner.

I saw him often; he was always startled, frightened, quick to disappear.  My Indonesian didn’t improve quickly enough for me to call to him; the best I could offer was a quick and encouraging smile.  No one else knew of our encounters; had the day guard seen him, he would have chased the boy away.  I spoke of him to no one; I wondered how I could help him.

And then I was required to get on a plane to go to America to have a baby.  And after that I was required to stay in America when all family members were evacuated from the Embassy.  And I never helped him, and I never spoke to him, and he has haunted me ever since.

Is he still finding treasures in the trash of the wealthy US Embassy employees who live in that house on Brawijaya street?  Does he have a home?  A family?  Does he live on the street?  What does he eat – or do I know and I am embarrassed to admit it?

And why was it so hard for me to think of a way to help him?  Couldn’t I have come to the trash, every time prepared with… a bag of clean clothes, some money, something to eat that wasn’t already garbage?

My son is eight now, about the age of the boy in Jakarta.  And I look in his smiling grey eyes and remember the startled brown ones from so long ago.  And I imagine what it would take for me to send my boy out to dig through someone else’s trash for his supper.

And then I imagine what it would take to make sure nobody’s sons or daughters would have to dig through the trash for their supper.

What would it take?

**Written in honor of Blog Action Day 2008: Poverty**

What Happens When Smoke Alarms Go Off in Embassy Housing

San Jose, COSTA RICA -- I hate to cook; let me just be frank.  Eating:  yes.  I love it.  Cooking:  I'd rather listen to children scream.  Of course, when I cook, I do get to listen to children scream.  Maybe that's why I hate it so much.

So I have this theory about cooking:  the hotter the temperature, the faster the thing will cook, and the sooner I'll be done (and the sooner the children will stop screaming).  So I cook everything on my stovetop on heat level "10":  eggs, meat, rice, delicate soups and sauces.  Under my iron fist it all chars beautifully.  And quickly.

Of course, it always burns.  Whatever 'it' is, it always burns.  This week it was pork chops.  And this is what happens when you burn pork chops on the stove in U.S. Embassy housing in Costa Rica.

First, the smoke detector goes off.  Actually, several smoke detectors go off because the Embassy puts them in Every Room.  Not a bad thing, I'm sure.  Unless it's a false alarm.

Second, I shut off the smoke detectors by dragging a chair underneath them, detaching them from the ceiling, removing the battery.... you get the picture.  Several times I do this.  You'll notice that I haven't yet turned off the stove.  Heavens no!  I've got to get that pork chop cooked!  (My housekeeper is smarter than I.  She turns off the stove.)

Third, I hear another alarm upstairs.  I dash upstairs,past my wide-eyed toddler, punch in the code, and cancel the house-wide security system alarm.

Fourth, the phone rings, so I dash back down past my still-wide-eyed toddler to answer it.  It is the guard at the front gate, who fires rapid and very concerned Spanish at me.  With a blank look, I hand the phone to my housekeeper and I learn the Spanish word for smoke:  humo.  I am to hear this word several times in the next few minutes.

Fifth, the doorbell rings.  It is a guard from the Embassy who fires rapid and very concerned Spanish at me.  With a blank look, I step aside and let my housekeeper explain.  Again I learn the Spanish word for smoke:  humo.  They both refrain from using the Spanish word for idiot, which I later look up on my own:  idiota.

Sixth, the phone rings again.  It is the guard at the front gate.  Again.  Who fires rapid and very concerned Spanish at me.  With a blank look, I hand the phone to my housekeeper, and I learn that the guard is a really nice guy.  My housekeeper translates into slower Spanish for me, and I understand:  he was just calling to say that if I ever have a problem, he's just a phone call away.

This does not change the fact that I feel like an idiota, the pork chops are burned to a crisp, and my house is full ofhumo.

The children come home, see what's for supper, and start screaming.  But I make them eat it anyway:  I worked hard to prepare that charcoal, and by gum they're going to enjoy it, humo and all.

Halloween Curmudgeon

OK, I just don't like Halloween; I am to Halloween what Scrooge is to Christmas; except I make him look enthusiastic about his holiday.  And in my defense, I can honestly say that I never really liked it.  Well, OK, as a kid the candy part was great, but I didn't like the rigamarole you had to go through to get it -- dressing up in a dorky costume to go and beg at the doors of strangers was not something my shy and retiring nature ever really yearned to do.

My kids have no such inhibitions.  We don't like scary -- no one in my family likes scary -- but ALL the kids love dressing up and begging and, of course, candy.

So every year I vow we are not going to go to the Embassy Halloween party, and every year we end up going.  Well, for one thing, all the kids there speak English and, my kids love that aspect of it ("UN Translator" is not a future job for any kid in my house).  And for another thing, the different offices pass out great candy -- chocolates, Starburst, SweetTarts.  I always confiscate the SweeTarts immediately.  They're one of my favorites, you can't get them overseas, and my rationale is that the kids won't appreciate them properly anyway.  I do.

So we went to the Embassy party last night, I baked cupcakes -- chocolate, wheat-free, with orange icing.  I was really proud of my creativity until I saw the decorations on some of the other cupcakes, hand-drawn icing spiderwebs, "Boo!" and the like.  It turns out I'm actually a decorating schlump.  I also made sandwiches for the potluck, remembered to pack separate food for my no-wheat-no-milk eaters, and had everything packed up and ready to go well before departure time.

And then I remembered:  costumes.  We have no costumes!  We're leaving this house in 45 minutes and we have NO kids' costumes anywhere in sight.

Thank goodness for the Internet.  Five minutes later I'd researched and scribbled down several ideas that we could create in less than half an hour, including "raining cats and dogs," a cardboard box, and a bag of blue jelly beans (I have blue balloons) and offered these options as the kids were getting off the bus.  I needn't have bothered.  The oldest dug out a child-sized military uniform I thought I had given away, the middle one found his pirate hat and a light saber, and the youngest wanted to go as Thomas Train -- so he wore his Thomas t-shirt.  Hey presto, in 5 minutes I had a soldier, a pirate, and a train, and I was left standing in the hall with my head spinning.  Who needs moms?

And, as always, we had a fabulous time:  SweeTarts were had by mom, bad chocolate was had by kids, and my soldier and a visiting Hermione Granger duelled all over the patio outside the consular section.  I think my soldier got the worst of it:  Hermione worked an expelliarmus charm on his boots which flew off in different directions and Hermione's cohort (a pink fairy, if I recall correctly) made off with his machine gun.  The pirate raced to the rescue and kept tripping over his light saber.  The little one pitched in by running eagerly behind the rest of the troop repeating the distress call he'd heard the soldier give:  "May Gay!  May Gay!" he shouted into a tiny sword he was using as a walkie talkie.

My husband and I sat on a bench, made sure no one ran into traffic, and ate a fairly peaceful supper of sandwiches and carrot sticks while a tribe of tiny Indians, vampires, fairy princesses and one Dora the Explorer crawled around our feet and we visited with their parents. Our kids gorged themselves on chocolate on the way home, and we all tumbled into bed and exhausted, hyper, sticky mess.

You know, in the face of that kind of fun, even Scrooge has to give in: Maybe next year I'll trick or treat for my own SweeTarts.

Tatooine is in My Bedroom

The Saga Continues...

The Jedi warrior and the Sith lord sat across the table from one another, each eyeing the other warily.

"I shot you with my electricity!" The Sith proclaimed triumphantly.

"I blocked it with my light saber!" Countered the Jedi.

With a quick flick of the wrist, "I destroyed your lightsaber!"

"But I have another!"  The Jedi pulled it out of his pocket and brandished it over his cereal bowl.  "And I shot you with my electricity!"

"Mom, Jedis don't have electricity!  Tell him he can't use electricity!" The Sith lord whined to the Jedi Master.

"But Yoda used electricity," the Jedi countered quickly.

"No, he only shot Count Duku's electricity back at him.  Pow!  I got you with my electricity when you weren't looking!"  The Sith cackled.

The Jedi fell on the floor.  "Ugh, I'm dead."  Springing up.  "Can I have some more cereal, mom?"

And so the battle raged among the stars.....

A Belated Virus

I never get sick.  Never.  Well, almost never.  But anyway, it's so rare, and I'm so clueless about little things like "symptoms" that I usually don't even know there's a problem until I'm about ready to be admitted to the ICU.  Once in Germany I got a sinus infection that was so bad that when I finally went to the doctor (two weeks after onset of "symptoms" -- which included the conviction that my head was going to explode), she had to give me anthrax antibiotics to get rid of it.  She said she could have written a paper on my sinus infection.

I feel so special.

But obviously I don't feel any brighter -- I'm sick again and it's taken me a while to realize it.  Let's say a week.  "Symptoms"?  Low grade fever was a clue which I more or less dismissed -- I mean, who takes a temperature of 100 degrees seriously?  Really.  Inability to breathe -- temporary, I'm sure.  Head feels like it will explode at any moment?  It's just stress.  Probably.  My three-year-old is definitely sick and he looks like I feel?  Coincidence.  

It was my housekeeper who clued me in:  "How do you feel?  You look terrible.  Are you sick?"  Hmm.  Maybe?

It's not that I don't feel terrible, I just never make the connection between "feel terrible" and "sick."  Somehow, "sick" is a condition so exalted I think it couldn't possibly apply to me.  I mean, when you're sick, you get to go to bed, even if you're the Mom, and no one can come in the bedroom and say things like "Honey, the bacon's on fire," and reasonably expect you to get up and deal with it.  When you're sick, you're sick, and someone else deals with the minor household emergencies.

This all comes, you know, from being the daughter of a veterinarian.  I'm not sure I ever went to a people doctor when I was a kid; whenever any of us would get sick, Dad would make a diagnosis and pull out the cat antibiotics:  "If it's good enough for house cats it's good enough for our kids."  We kids weren't exactly sure what would have happened had we needed, say, surgery.  Consequently, we all learned to ignore any "symptoms" which might have needed "treatment."

But my Dad is safely on another continent; his license to get prescription medication (even for cats) has expired; and goldarnit, I feel terrible.

I'm sick, and I'm going to bed.  The fire extinguisher is hanging on the wall next to the back door, if you need it for anything.

Mom, are you SURE there's a volcano here?

Poas Volcano -- the largest caldera in the world, according to the literature from the national park (check it out and let me know if it's true!).  This is what we saw when we visited a few weeks ago.  We could hear the volcano, hissing and spitting; we could smell the volcano; we could feel the volcano -- that's not all fog below Benjamin; a good bit of it is warm steam.  But we couldn't see the volcano.  I'm taking it on faith that we were actually in the right place.

But, the kids had a good run around (Don't get too close to the edge, dear!) and there was a great gift shop waiting for us at trail's end -- the kids got M&M's; I got a painting -- so a good time was had by all.  And now we have an excuse to go back!

(P.S.  Apparently I haven't figured out how to post a picture inside a text box.  Hmmm.  If you want to see a perplexed and steamy Benjamin, just head to http://kellyarmstrong.pnn.com/8583-home-sweet-home .)

In the "Warms the Cockles of your Heart" Category

Yesterday, I was sitting on the couch with Benjamin, my three-year-old, who wasn't feeling well, and he snuggled up to me, gave me a perfect three-year-old hug and said, "You're my sweetie friend."

This morning, we were snugging in bed (around 0-dark-thirty) and Benjamin started patting my arm.  

"Why are you patting my arm?" I asked sleepily.

"Because I love you so much," was his sweet reply.

BUT this is the same child who, just this evening, rummaged through the "out of reach" medicine cabinet, opened a child-proof bottle of decongestant, and poured himself a medicine cup full before I discovered him.

Maybe the cutie-pie stuff is really just a front to cover for his other, more nefarious activities?

The Sun is Down!

With these cheery words, my three-year-old snuggled up to me in bed this morning.  "No it's not," I said sleepily as I tucked him in under the blankets next to me.

"Yes, it is, it's down!" He repeats, mashing his nose against my face and giving me a sloppy kiss.

"No, it's not down, it's up.  It's morning," I groan back, suspecting that it may not, really, be decently morning yet.

At which point he throws his arm over my neck, whispers sincerely, "Oh, I wuv you, Mommy."  Then he bounds up, flips on the light switch over my bed -- including the halogen spotlights directly over head that shoot light like a physical force into my brain.  "Now the sun is up!"  He shouts and runs gleefully out of the room.

I look at my watch.  5:55 a.m. on a Saturday.

Why can't kids be cute at a decent hour?

"I Barfed on Dad!"

Overheard - Unfortunately, At My House

Photo: The source of all entropy in the universe, and most of the chaos in my house, snippets of which are posted below.

"It's only 4:30 in the morning.  Go back to bed. "

"If you can't kill each other nicely, you'll have to go inside."

"Please don't disembowel yourself in my kitchen."

"Why is there a bike in my living room?"

"Why are there two bikes in my living room?"

"How many bikes are there in my living room??!"

"Who tied my cabinet closed with dental floss?"

"Who left an entire bag of chocolate chips scattered on the floor in my pantry?"

"Mom!  I found Benjamin on the skateboard about to roll headfirst down the hill and crash into the fence!  I got the skateboard!"  (Screams of a thwarted three-year-old in the background.)

"Jonathan, those clothes were to give away, not to make into a teepee in the backyard!"

"No sticks in the house."

"No rocks in the house."

"Get these sticks and rocks out of my house right now!"

"No legos in the bathtub."

"No army guys in the bathtub."

"Dog-pile snuggle!!"

"I love you!"

This Too Shall Pass. I Hope.

Home Sweet Home -- Not!

A couple of you were kind enough to inquire about my continued existence, and commented (rightly) that we should be "home" by now.  The idea of "home" certainly opens a philosophical can of worms for me, but that's not the point.  The point is that we ARE "home" now -- "home" being a street address in the Continental United States.  And on Friday night, for the first time in 18+ years of marriage, my husband and I (well, and the kids, too) slept in our VERY OWN HOUSE!!

This is a momentous occasion!  This deserves a celebration!  Did we celebrate?  We did not.  Instead, we sat in the living room, drinking heavily, and staring at each other, and at the peeling paint (literally) and the holes in the walls (literally) and the Japanese stink beetles happily scurrying in and out of those holes (literally) and the zillions of unpacked boxes (literally) and the complete absence of anything resembling a closet in this four bedroom house (literally).....   We looked more shell shocked than celebratory.

So, about those holes....  You'll remember that we bought a 1949 farmhouse at auction last year?  Now we know why this house didn't go through the traditional real estate market:  The last time anything in this house was up to code was in 1949.  Maybe.  It's a good house, solid as they come, built with rough hewn oak that's harder than steel.  We've even found some handmade nails in some of the studs.  It's got good bones.  Sort of like Ugly Betty has good bones.

But now let's talk about the electrical system!  Do you want to laugh or cry?  It's your choice, and both are valid options!  The first time Gary opened the electrical box, he cried for 15 minutes.  The most obvious problem (beyond the fact that the panel was of a type neither we nor the contractor foreman had ever seen or even imagined before and we had no idea how to turn off any of the circuits or if there even WERE any circuits) was that the house was NOT GROUNDED.  In what seems -- in hindsight -- like laughable optimism, we went out and bought a grounding rod and some copper wire, thinking that would solve our most immediate problems and we could get on with life.

Well, it quickly became apparent that we could not, in fact, get on with life if life were going to include anything involving electricity.  In fact, anything involving electricity in this house might well have resulted in death.  I am SO glad our renters didn't die last year.  I don't know why they didn't, but I'm glad.  And, as a child of the 20th century, I must say I'm quite emotionally attached to electricity.  So is the pump for our well; our refrigerator; and our stove.

With our furniture scheduled to arrive in 2 weeks, we contacted a reputable local contractor who blithely assured us that he could rewire our entire house for a very reasonable cost CERTAINLY in less than two weeks.

I will pass over the following five, VERY EXPENSIVE weeks with just one comment:  Ha.  Ha.

But, now we have fresh new electricity!  Every day the foreman was on the job here (and there were a lot of days, let me tell you), he told me that he didn't know why the house hadn't burned down before now, the old wiring job was so bad.  For example, sometime in the past, the previous owners had tired of a light fixture in the bathroom.  So, they removed the bulb, shoved the LIVE fixture up into the ceiling, and covered it (poorly) with drywall.  AAAGGGGHHHH!!!

Well, the holes in the wall.  Right.  The contractors had to cut into every single wall and every single ceiling in this house in order to install wiring.  Once the job had run THREE TIMES over the original estimate, we weren't really in the mood to shell out the exorbitant sums it would take to patch up those holes. So they remain.  Also, we discovered in the course of this project that there is no (as in ZERO) insulation in any of the outside walls.  ???????  So, when we do patch the walls, we'll need to take out all the old drywall (which is good because most of it has mold in it) and add insulation before re-drywalling.  Those holes may be there a loooong while.

Because, before we fix the holes, there's the little matter of the bathroom we gutted.  A decades-long (and extremely fixable with $10 and an hour's work!) leak had led to the entire bathroom being absolutely impregnated with mold.  Gack.   And, in our defense, we started that project before we realized how serious the electrical situation was.  So, we took out the bathroom.  It started innocently enough.  We just removed the wall paper (a clouds and seagulls motif).  The exposed dry wall looked so good in comparison, that it led us to chip off the irregular mosaic-style gold and turquoise tile that covered the lower half of the walls.  No, you really can't guess how ugly it was.  The bare drywall was such a HUGE improvement in the appearance of the bathroom, that we decided to just go ahead and take out all of the dry wall, remove the linoleum floor (and the tile floor underneath that) and take it down to bare studs and the subfloor, since, by that point we had also discovered the leak and the mold.  Now our bathroom is an empty shell (we left the cast iron bathtub in place.  We're not stupid.), and it looks MUCH better than it did when we started.

However, since the re-wiring project ran so far over projected costs, it looks like the bathroom's going to remain an empty shell for some time to come!  Fortunately, we have a second bathroom, but it needs to be gutted and fixed up as well, and we are all eagerly waiting the day that can happen!  At least it doesn't look as ugly as it did when we first got here -- we stripped off the wall paper, knocked a few tiles off the walls, and the electricians added a few holes.  All of which, I ASSURE YOU adds considerably to the charm of the room.

So, here we are at "home," shell shocked and glum.  Because, to top it all off, our furniture (finally) arrived.  The last time we saw this furniture was 14 years ago.  Our furniture consists of:  2 beds, 3 dressers, 2 arm chairs (compliments of my husband's days in the army), 1 salmon pink couch, 1 dining table & chairs.  Bookcases.  End tables.  A very nice hand-made buffet from Germany.  That's it.  End of story!  If you've done the math, you'll be thinking that that's really not adequate for 5 people and 4 bedrooms.  And you're right!  We've convinced the boys that sleeping on an air mattress is like camping and that it is fun, fun, fun!

But, the good news is:  the furnace here works GLORIOUSLY and the well water is like fine wine.  The view is gorgeous and the boys have plenty of space to run.  And the boys are the main reason we bought this particular place in the first place.  So, I encourage them to spend lots of time outside, whacking things with sticks and digging in the dirt and climbing trees.  And they're happy.

Because they know if they come inside and pester me, I'm going to stuff them into one of the holes in the wall.

OK, Maybe This Blog Isn't Completely Moving

OK, Maybe this blog isn't completely moving.  I just got the news that someone defibrillated PNN at the last moment and it's not closing down after all.  In my characteristic "burn no bridges" philosophy (even if some of those bridges are completely rotted through or lead to no place I ever want to go), I think I'll try double posting.  At least for a while.

So here or at http://tweekniks.com/embassywife, I'll try to be somewhere!

This Blog Moved

Yes, this blog moved to http://www.tweekniks.com, and some of you have sweetly asked how to subscribe.  If you go to the tweekniks home page, you'll see "Embassy Wife" in a column on the right hand side.  I believe if you click the orange box next to it, you'll be taken to ANOTHER page (don't you just love technology?) where, on the right hand side near the bottom, you can "Subscribe in Mail." 

Whew.

If anyone out there is smarter than me (safe bet) and knows a better way to do this, PLEASE chime in!

This Blog is Moving

This blog is moving to:  http://www.tweekniks.com/embassywife .

I didn't mean to move; I didn't want to move.  Sigh.  But PNN is closing its electronic doors on January 31, 2011, and I don't want to be trapped inside all by myself.

Some fellow bloggers have started up a blog called "The Writer's Cafe" at tweekniks.com, and they've let me tag along.  I can already tell that it's going to take me weeks to get my blog there sorted out and looking pretty, and you may show up there occasionally to find that nothing is where it should be (So tell me again, what's the difference between a "page" and a "category" and a "tag"?  Just one more time, please?), but I'll be brutally honest and tell you it's your best chance of ever catching up with me online!  I know it's heretical, but I have to confess:  Facebook gives me a headache and I am absolutely the world's WORST one-on-one correspondent.

I've got a couple of small things up already (including a bit of rather "large" and "important" news I just realized I haven't even shared with my mother.  No, I'm not pregnant.), so come on over and visit!

Bye, PNN!  I'll miss you!

Confarn the Pony Cheese

I was trying to ignore the alarm one morning last week, when two boys barreled into my room and burrowed into bed with me, all the while singing with great gusto:

Confarn the Pony Cheese!

Confarn the Pony Cheese!

Confarn the Pony Cheeeeeeeeese!!

If this is not enough to wake a person up, nothing will.

I then got a second verse about Pony Trailers and Pony Chairs and Pony Slides..... you get the picture.  Or maybe not, which, in any case, might be preferable.

When pressed, both boys admitted they had no idea what it meant, but they went around singing it with great gusto all day long.  I even found myself uttering "Confarn the Pony Cheese" at moments of great emotion, as when the oldest broke a plate, or the middle one fell out of his chair laughing at something unrelated.  I also found myself wanting to slip it into awkward pauses in conversation with other adults; it seemed somehow the perfect filler.  I restrained myself.

This unusual interlude, caused me to realize there are a couple of other catch phrases floating around our house that don't really fit anywhere into the grand scheme of the universe.  I would love a translation (or psychological analysis) if anyone out there has any insight.

For example:

"You, my grand sir, are a yak!"  Usually said with a great deal of gravity and authority, with a finger pointed accusingly at the offending person.  Although no offense is necessary, of course, to provoke this statement.  I often hear it, for example, when Timothy is looking for his socks.

"They have gazpacho, my lord!"  This is uttered by Jonathan at random times of excitement - on the swing, for example - with a note of slightly despairing wonder, as if gazpacho is somehow on par with nuclear waste.

These are the only two which come to mind at the moment.  Perhaps that's for the best.  You know what they say, after all:  Confarn the pony cheese!

How Do I Embarrass Me, Let Me Count the Ways...

Whiplash, two cracked knees, and a 2-inch long burn on my shin. That was just in the space of three days, and I did it to myself completely on my own, without help from anyone.

I've never been what you might call graceful.  In fact, I've never even lived in the same state as graceful.  At my one dance recital, my mother (you know, the person who loves you more than life itself) spent my entire performance laughing herself cross-eyed.  I know because there were witnesses & they told me.  I think the witnesses may have also been cross-eyed.  Can't say that I blame them.

So, no, I am not graceful or even particularly coordinated.  But I don't usually injure myself.  Usually.  Last week was not usually.

I was baking bread, which I do a lot.  I took the bread out of the oven (a beautiful, perfectly shaped, evenly-browned loaf, I might add), and closed the oven door with my leg.  But, my mother-in-law's oven is not like my oven.  The WHOLE door gets hot.  Two-inch burn.  Only first degree, not like the time I poured an entire pot roast straight out of the oven onto my left foot.  That resulted in 2nd & 3rd degree burns over about 80% of my foot & took a plastic surgeon to repair.  No, just a simple, embarrassing two-inch singe.

Then we went to the Silverwood amusement park in Idaho (thank you to my niece Jessica for the FABULOUS FREE tickets!!!!).  The sign said "Watch Your Head," but I was watching the kids -- who were running at the speed of sound away from me into a large crowd.  I plowed right into a log set exactly at the height of the bridge of my nose.  If it hadn't been for the fact that my sunglasses absorbed most of the impact, I might have broken my nose.  As it was, I only gave myself whiplash -- I could hear everyone of my neck vertebrae as they crunched together -- which brought me to my knees and which brought a large crowd of people behind me to a gaping standstill.

That's Universe: 2, Kelly: 0.

But wait!  There's more!

On our return trip, we ended up making an unscheduled, overnight layover in Atlanta.  We had never even planned to go to Atlanta, but when your United flight is cancelled at 5 a.m. on Monday, that's the sort of thing that happens.  (Kudos to United, however, for finding a brilliant re-route for us in under 20 minutes.)

Anyway, we're at the hotel and I'm taking a much needed shower, after having been up since 04:00 & spending way too much time in airports & on airplanes -- that always makes me feel grimy.  I reached for a washcloth, and BANG!  Well, actually I think it sounded more like "Clunk, THUD, whap. Argh!"  I slipped and fell.

You just have not been properly embarrassed until your ENTIRE family rushes into the bathroom to see you draped -- none too gracefully, I might add -- over the edge of a tub moaning and simultaneously trying to reassure everyone present that really, yes, I'm just fine, please go away and let me groan in private.

No stitches, no emergency room visits, not even any blood.  Just very public embarrassment.  So, the next time you trip over a non-existent crack in the sidewalk, know I'm thinking of you!

Note to Parents (Seen in Local Store):

I saw this sign in a store while shopping for school clothes today:

"Parents, these toys are for sale.  Any children left unattended will be given a double latte and a free puppy."

I don't know about you, but that sent shivers down my spine.  I kept all three boys in full view the whole time and we somehow made it home without any lattes or puppies.  Whew.

In the Forest, No One Can See Your Hair

Aside from the fact that our name is now mud at the Cougar Rock Campground at Mt. Rainier National Park, we had a great vacation.  And the best part for me was that five Bad (as in "I don't think I remembered to brush it this morning") Hair Days in a row went completely unnoticed by any living creatures aside from my immediate family (who are stuck with me regardless) and a few chipmunks.

Why, I am sure you are asking, is our name now mud at that campground?  Well, to begin with, you know those Forest Ranger programs for kids they have at national parks?  We made the mistake of attending every evening with our three boys.  Three boys who (a) could not sit still for 5 minutes together to save their immortal souls; (b) prefer to answer every question by either jumping up and down and shouting or rushing up to shout out the answer in person; (c) who frequently announce to the whole world things like "Dad, tell him I cut my foot.  I just want him to know."  Or something really brilliant like "I like trees!!!!!"  Not one forest ranger was sad to see the back of us.  In fact, they all looked a bit dazed, and one may have even clutched his hair and groaned.

Add to that the fact that our rented RV had some sort of operator (that would be us)-initiated electrical issue at 4 a.m. one morning that resulted in some nameless alarm emitting a piercing shriek every 15 seconds from now till eternity.  The only way we could get it to shut off was to charge the RV's battery.  To do that we had to fire up either the RV's generator (Strictly Forbidden outside certain hours) or fire up the RV's engine and let it idle for 15 minutes.  There weren't any rules against that.... exactly.  Although I'm sure our near neighbors in tents appreciated neither the noise nor the exhaust, and I expected them to come at us with camp stoves and cooking pots.

I'm a coward.  I burrowed anonymously into the covers and let Gary sit exposed in the driver's seat with the engine running in case an irate forest ranger happened by with a large bear on a leash, or whatever it is they do to trouble makers in the national parks.

Then, when I woke up a few hours later it was to find that Gary had returned to the front seat and was just sitting there, staring out the window.  When I asked him what he was doing, he said he was just waiting there in case a forest ranger came by to complain about our nocturnal disturbances.

Huh?  I'm not that noble.  I started fixing breakfast and pulling up the tent pegs (metaphorically speaking).  I was all for getting out of there before any official personages showed up with a bear or a ticket or a fine.

I think we made it.  I chose to ignore the bear and the man in the funny hat and brown pants chasing us down the road.

More House Pictures

Are you sure you want more pictures?  You might want to cover at least one eye so you don't go completely blind.

And take a look at those bathrooms!  Don't forget, there are TWO of these beauties, and the one upstairs has a PINK toilet!  Wow.

Someday, I hope to turn this into a REAL bathroom.  Right now, well, there are just no words, are there?

.

See what I mean about the carpets?  And you'll notice not only the lovely wall color but the large unpainted space?  In my mind's eye I see bookcases on either side of the fireplace.  But my physical eyes are hurting right now.  In fact, I may have done myself permanent damage.

And the kitchen.....  Yes, that is Brown Tile on the wall.  Do you think we could qualify for one of those complete home makeover TV shows??   The good news is that all the appliances "convey."  At least, I think it's good news.  For someone whose sole worldly complement of appliances is "bread maker," appliances that convey are VERY good news.  I'm kind of wishing the linoleum DIDN'T convey.

But this is why we really bought the place.....

.

WE GOT THE HOUSE!!!

WE GOT THE HOUSE WE GOT THE HOUSE!!!  Dance with me!!

I spent more than we wanted, but fortunately, still well within what we can manage.  And we got a BARGAIN.  I think my husband will recover from the heart failure in a day or two.

WE GOT THE HOUSE!!!

Here's a view from the front porch (the cars are all the people who came to look before the auction).

And a view of the "back pasture."

And a picture of the house.  Does this look like your dream house?  It probably doesn't look like any body's dream house but ours.

And take a look at these carpets!  And the curtains!!  Aren't they just delectable??  Lot of work to do; fortunately, it's all cosmetic. Our realtor's husband (they're good friends of 20+ years) is a certified building contractor & he gave the place a clean bill of health.  He said he'd even buy the place.  But he can't because it's MINE!!  Buwahahahaha!!!!

house

i'm flying to the u.s. tomorrow.  i hope to buy a house on friday.

i'm writing in all lowercase because i feel like i have to whisper.  gary and i want this house SO BADLY that i'm afraid if i talk about it too loudly or too much i might just burst.

we stumbled on to this house a few weeks ago on the internet; it's going up for public auction on friday.  gary has already started planning where he'll put the fruit trees and has found places to buy red currant plants (a perennial passion of his) and blueberry plants (a perennial passion of mine).  me, i can't think about it too much because it will be too painful if we don't get it.

we weren't looking for a house, really, just wanted to see what was out there, and then we stumbled on to this:  deep in the country, 10 acres, seventy year old farm house, a barn, zoned for rural agriculture.  there are cows across the street.  yes, believe it or not, that's our dream home.  it even comes with multicolored carpet and a pink stove in the basement.  well, that was never part of our dream.  we're just lucky, i guess.  what we really love is the "rural agriculture" part.  we want to buy a cow, and gary has already looked into the possibility of fencing in the "front yard" (about 3 acres).

i thought about posting a picture, but i don't want you to find it and show up at the auction -- i mean wouldn't everyone want a place just like this?

wish me luck.  but in any event, even if we don't get the house, i'll be traveling ALONE -- WITHOUT CHILDREN!!!! -- for the first time in ten years.  that alone is worth a glass of champagne.

Where Are All the Toys?

Yesterday I found myself, much to my surprise, babysitting two small children for a new family that's just arrived.  I was in awe of the 2-month-old.  He never made a peep!  Just smiled and cooed at me.  You mean some babies come like this?  Happy?  Mine came screaming and wailing and flailing and screaming and wailing.  And flailing.  Did I mention the screaming?  Timothy's finally stopped when he was five.  (He had food issues.  I'll cut him some slack.)  Wow.  If I'd had even ONE child like this we'd now have 8 or 9.  Maybe it's just as well we didn't.

But I digress.

It was the 4-year-old boy who really opened my eyes:  apparently, our family has crossed a threshold in my struggle for simplicity and I didn't even realize it.

I've been trying for years to simplify our lives; we have very few activities outside the home so our time is largely our own.  We like it that way.  But inside the home, I've been hampered by the huge amounts of STUFF we seem to have accumulated over the years.  When Gary & I first moved overseas 16 years ago (we'd been married all of 5 months), we had three boxes.  That's it.  Three LARGE boxes, to be sure, but three boxes.  They sent one guy to move us in.  He made three trips up the stairs.  It took me 2 hours to unpack.

When we left our last post, we had three CRATES of stuff (or maybe more.  It's sort of a blur now.).  Know how big a crate is?  A dining room table that will seat 6-8 people will fit in with room to spare.  Stand it on one end, that's how tall the crate is.  It took us three DAYS to pack out.  And we didn't even pack any furniture.  And, believe it or not, this seems to be about the average amount of stuff owned by the average overseas family.  Makes you shudder to think of your own house WITH furniture, doesn't it?

I hate stuff.  I would be fairly happy in a dirt-floored cabin where we all shared one plate.... OK, I need a bit more stuff than that, but not the amount we have.  I battle it All. The. Time.

I especially battle the toys.  I am not a mean mother.  I am not trying to deprive my children of a rich and varied tactile play experience.  I am only interested in getting out of my house any toys that are not loved, needed or used.  Getting rid of toys that bring smiles to NOone's faces.

The Embassy had a "garage sale" this week-end, public invited.  I told the boys that if they wanted to sell some of their toys, they could keep all the proceeds.

Well, you would not BELIEVE how that stimulated them.  Our 8-passenger SUV was pretty well packed by the time they were done.  And it wasn't all their stuff -- we got rid of a lot of mom and dad stuff too.  Boy, it felt nice.  And it all vanished.  Either to buyers or into the lovely Salvation Army truck they brought to receive any "extra" stuff at the end.  Bye bye!!!

So, anyway, the 4-year-old was at our house yesterday before Benjamin came home, and he wandered around aimlessly & forlornly for a minute before he found me in the kitchen.

"Where are all the toys?"

So I showed him a box of wooden train tracks in the now bare 'play room'.

"But where are all the toys???"

Well, there's a small, half-empty basket in the living room.  And, um, well, there might be some on the patio.  And, um.  Well.  Huh....  Hey, kid, don't you play with sticks?  Here's a rock.  Go entertain yourself.

I hadn't even realized it but my boys have long ago stopped playing with 'toys'.  Of course there are Legos, Playmobile, light sabers & the odd Star Wars action figure, but that's it.  I know, because -- aside from a killer collection of stuffed animals that seem to bring joy to WAY too many people in this house -- that's about all we have left now.  And that's all they've played with for a long long time, apparently.  Well, aside from the sticks and rocks, of course.  We have a killer collection of those, too.

I love that!

And I REALLY love that we won't have to move all that stuff again.  There's another garage sale next year.  I think it'll take us TWO car trips; I'll be sure to send you an invitation!

A Window to the Soul

I'm looking around my bedroom (since that's where I am), and am afraid that if this place is a window to my life and soul, a psychologist would have a field day in here.  And then commit me.  Take my bedside table, for example.  It contains (among other detritus) several works of theology I'm working my way through, a juvenile novel I'm reading, the manual to a computer game, a baby monitor (there haven't been any babies in the family in three years), a light saber, a box of irredeemably stale chocolates, and a ‘squeaky puppy' which mercifully doesn't squeak any more.  And a plug-in mosquito repeller that's not plugged in.  And Legos.  There may also be a rock, a rusty bottle cap, and a length of wire; there have been unconfirmed sightings.

Then, on my dresser is a pillow which needs to be stitched up - it's been there since before Christmas - an open Amazon.com box containing birthday presents (I'm hiding them in plain sight) and books.  Books, books, books, books, and more books.  And did I mention the books?  Everywhere everywhere everywhere there are books.  It is literally impossible to sit down anywhere in this room (or most places in this house, actually) without moving a half dozen books.  And a large pile of laundry.  Or two.   And somewhere in this room, tucked into one of those books, is a check that I've needed to mail for A YEAR.  (Sorry Daniel and Linda!)  For an entire year it has proved an insurmountable obstacle to get together in the same room:  check, address, envelope, and stamp (available for purchase once per year in the U.S.).

We do have some pictures in here.  In fact, we have the most recent family pictures we've taken; they're hung on the wall above our lovely antique bed (marred at the foot by an overzealous application of hairspray during a play date a few years ago.  Did you know that hairspray will melt antique wood finish?).   We took those pictures seven years ago.  Our youngest is four.  You do the math.  In fact, just last night, the youngest was in here looking at the pictures, and asked plaintively, "Where are the baby pictures of me in here?"  Ummmm.  Well.....  We haven't really gotten around to that yet, dear.  He'll be five in a few weeks.

In the master bath, there's a tube for draining the fish tank looped gracefully over the towel rack.  Some people have candles, pretty plants and doodads around their spa tubs - I know, I've seen them.  We have a bottle of water purifier for the fish tank, and a slightly moldy toy boat.  Don't go too far contemplating that one.  Please.  And someone's swimsuit.  I wonder when we last went swimming?

And books.  Yes, there are books in the bathroom (and in the kitchen, the hall, the living room; on the entry table, on the computer printer, on the floor, in the toy box, under the beds, IN the beds, in the pantry, stuffed inside a pillowcase on our couch....  We even sometimes put them on the bookshelves.).  Usually we have a small collection of children's books, three or four theology books (a minor hobby in our family), and at least one computer magazine, just in the bathroom.  I can't complain too much about the books scattered around the house, though.  Most of them are ones that I'm reading, all at the same time.  In fact, I've been known to pick up a copy of "Captain Underpants" if there's nothing else around to read.

So, there you have it:  A window into the darkest recesses of my soul.  It's a rather untidy place -- and that's with a half-time housekeeper! -- but fairly cheerful all the same, if you don't mind the mess.  Come on in and sit down.  Let me just move that pile of books for you.

Just Another Trip

At least it wasn't a trans-Atlantic flight, there is that to be said for it.  Or (shudder) a trans-Pacific flight.

In case you had ever wondered, no, traveling internationally alone with three small boys is really not that much fun.  Fortunately, my children are heroic travelers, and for some reason are phenomenally well-behaved in airports and airplanes.  Well-behaved to the point that flight attendants, ticket agents, and general passersby stop to gawk and ask in amazement, "Are they always this good?"  And I say, "No."

For this trip I additionally had the brilliant idea (15 minutes before leaving the house) to download Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Tertiary Phase into my iPod.  That's a four hour production.  It kept Jonathan and Timothy in slack-jawed rapture for four solid hours.

That got us to Houston.  But there was no power in heaven or on earth, apparently, that could get us out again.  The four of us made an Olympic-style sprint through passport-baggage claim-customs-baggage recheck, leapt onto a moving inter-terminal train for the mile-long ride to our terminal, and dashed up to our gate with just enough time for everyone to go to the bathroom.  It was a record, and we even did it without a stroller!  And I was doubly delighted because, given the vagaries of international travel, I have missed this particular flight More Than Once.

Then I noticed the flight had been delayed 40 minutes, but no problem, that just meant we had time to get a drink, too, from a mysterious and endlessly fascinating contraption which Mom called a "water fountain."  My boys never see water fountains unless we're in the U.S., and it's as much fun as a summer swimming hole every time we encounter one.  Everyone gets about that wet, too.  We needed the 40 minutes for all three kids to get a sufficient amount of water both inside and out.

And we got to the gate just in time to hear the announcement that the flight had been delayed from 9:30 pm. until 10:50 p.m.

At this point I started a mild panic.

Thanks to Google's free wireless in major airports this Christmas (THANK YOU, GOOGLE!!) I was able to call my parents on Skype (WOO HOO!!  YIPPEE!!  WAHOO!!!), hoping to catch my dad before he left the house to pick us up at the regional airport we were flying to.  No such luck.  Poor man.

A note here on why I was so ecstatic to be able to do something simple like "phone home:"  One of the last times I flew (alone) from Zagreb, about an 14-hour, overnight, trans-Atlantic trip, with three much smaller kids -- who NEVER sleep on airplanes -- we ran into a similar problem, with the very same connecting flight.  I needed to call my parents to tell them when to pick us up.  I have no US cell phone, and it's been 15 years since I've used a US pay phone.  Fifteen years ago, you needed a quarter to make the thing work.  I had no quarters.  I had no dimes, no nickels, no pennies.  I had a plethora of Kuna and Lipa.  A 5 Kuna piece, however, is not the same as a quarter, and the phone spit it out at me.  Several times.  By this point, 13 hours into our trip, one child was screaming uncontrollably in the stroller, one child was lying on the floor screaming uncontrollably, and the third was propped up against our luggage drooling on himself and whimpering loudly.  I was near tears myself and on the borderlands of psychotic.  A kindly passerby told me I could make a collect call without any coins, but I've been traumatized by the idea of payphones ever since.  I travelled with approximately 5 dollars worth of quarters in my purse this time.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled trip:  I phoned my parents and then wisely gathered up all out luggage to go find something to eat -- the two PB&J's I had packed had disappeared HOURS before and the children were starting to gnaw the furniture.

We dashed to the nearby food court and were delighted to still see the lights on in McDonald's.  Yay!  Saved by junk food.  Except, McDonald's had actually closed 15 minutes before and NOTHING else was open except the vending machines.  Thank goodness for those quarters.  I fed in dollar bills and quarters until everyone had a bag of doritos, some salami sticks, and a Snicker's bar to share.  We took turns going to the marvelous, mysterious water fountain to get drinks, and I started a download of Sponge Bob Squarepants to help while away the hours.

Eleven o'clock came and went.  And went some more.  And we were promised that the flight crew we were waiting for was In The Airport and En Route to our gate.  For forty-five minutes they were en route.  Then, around midnight, the flight was cancelled:  there was too much fog at our destination to be able to land.

So here I am stranded in an airport, near midnight, with three small children who, to this point, have been models of good behavior but who are starting to fray around the edges.  I am starting to panic.

Continental Airlines to the rescue!  I am embarrassed to admit I never learned the names of our good samaritans -- the two Continental ticket agents on duty -- but they were amazing.  Because I was with small children, Continental, at the request of the ticket agent, arranged for us to stay -- FREE OF CHARGE!! -- at the airport Marriott.  No finding and calling a hotel (at least I could have used a payphone!)  No finding and waiting for a shuttle.  No traipsing through the darkness.  Ah.  Bliss.  The other passengers got a voucher for a room discount.  Somewhere.  They had to find their own room.

As we were leaving the gate area, the nuclear holocaust started.  Benjamin stubbed his toe, or something, and the screaming started.  The walls were cracking; plaster was flaking; and the ceiling tiles were starting to come down from the force of his screams.  And I knew this was only the beginning.

And then, out of the fog created by the reverberations in the air, the two ticket agents came walking BACK to us.  "It sounded like you needed some help," the woman said cheerfully, taking all three boys' backpacks.

It was after midnight; these people were OFF DUTY; they could have gone HOME.  Instead, they went down to baggage claim, helped us find our bags, CARRIED our bags to the hotel (not a short distance, especially since it was so late the inter-terminal train had stopped running), and made sure the hotel checked us in without any problems.  THEN they went home.

Give Continental an award!

It was so late there was no room service, but the desk clerk at the hotel found two granola bars and an apple which we fought over in the elevator -- I think Jonathan was still gnawing on his piece when we got in bed -- and then we went to sleep at 1:30 a.m.

The next morning room service brought us a Wicked Awesome breakfast -- only my second proper meal in over 24 hours -- and we crawled back in bed and watched TV until we had to leave the room at one to catch our flight.

At the gate, we ran into our two friends from the night before; the boys ran and gave them a hug.  If they hadn't, I might have.

And then our plane came on time, and we landed on time, and the pilots let the boys spend fifteen minutes in the cockpit asking questions and making jokes, and my dad was waiting and we had tacos for supper and an early bedtime.

Ah, bliss.

People wonder why, when I go home alone with the kids, I stay for as long as I do (usually 6-8 weeks).  Don't I miss my husband? (Yes.)  Well, the reason is, MOST of my trips with the boys are like this -- something goes hugely wrong or there's otherwise an intense amount of misery involved.  I just know to count on it.  And I'd have to be insane to want to cram TWO trips like this into, say, two weeks.  I make my trips long so the pain has a chance to wear off.

Just 5 weeks till we get to do it all again! 

Blogger of the Month??

Wow, thank you very much!  You all might have noticed I wasn't even AT the girls' night out in November.  The timing happens to coincide with Bedtime, which, as any parent knows is Sacred and Not To Be Messed With.  I'm REALLY sorry, though, that I missed this month's GNO.  For one thing, I feel really ignorant.  Here it is a FULL month on and I'm just now figuring it out.  In fact, I think PNN has even picked a December blogger of the month by now.

What I mean to say is:  thank you!  I haven't even posted much this month.  You may have heard?:  I'm going home for Christmas.  This simple fact seems to take up all my waking moments thinking and dreaming about it.  Consequently, I'm a "bit" behind the curve...  Shall we say, um, about four weeks???

But thank you, thank you for this delightful honor.  I will think of you all often when I'm off in Texas, banging rocks together, once again, to get the Internet speed slightly up above that of caveman-with-a-club.  My folks had electricity put in this fall, so I'll at least be able to plug my computer in.  But connectivity?  Well, my one comment is:  Hah!

Thank you again and wishing you all a very Merry and Monkey-Humidity-and-Snake Free Christmas.

Post-Script to an Open Letter

Dear Future Daughter-in-Law,

There might be some hope after all.

Last night when Timothy cut his head on the bathtub faucet, I called over my shoulder as I was leaving the bathroom with a bleeding boy, "Jonathan, I need you to take care of Benjamin.  Please put him in the shower to rinse him off.  I'm putting you in charge."

I heard a cheery "OK, mom!" and then I went to work on Timothy.

By the time I had gotten Timothy cleaned up, bandaged, and dressed, Jonathan had:  gotten himself out of the tub and gotten dressed.  This task alone can sometimes take an hour or more to accomplish.  He had put Benjamin in the shower to rinse off the blood and bubble soap, wet mopped the floor to get up the blood, water and bubbles, put the wet mop away, and used the dry mop to dry the floor.

I was in shock, to say the least, when I went up to the bathroom and found it perfectly clean.  He'd even put the dirty clothes in the hamper.

"OK, I need to get Benjamin out of the shower...." I began.

"No, mom, let me do it!"  Jonathan said, running into the bathroom with Benjamin's pajamas.  "I'll dry him off and get him dressed.  You go take care of Timothy."

Numb, I just nodded, and proceeded to do what he said.  He even hung up the towel when he was finished.  I was later informed by the neighbors (whose dinner we had interrupted), that Jonathan had also fixed scrambled eggs for a hungry Benjamin while the boys were at their house.

I'm still in shock.  Is this the child who can't find the shoes he's tripping over?  Who forgets to button his pants?  And who takes an hour sometimes to get dressed (he tends to lose focus)?  WHO IS THIS PERSON???

Could it really be that this amazing human being is lurking under the surface of the everyday boy?

So, you may have ended up with a person who can't find the laundry basket when you dump it on his head, but there seem to be the seeds of heroism or something like it lurking underneath.  Look for this; nurture it.  Give him crises to deal with -- he seems to perform admirably.  In the meantime, I'll do what I can to help these tendencies surface more frequently.  I think I'll put him in charge of our next move.

Very truly yours,

Kelly

Your future mother-in-law.

Emergency Room #4. Or is it #5?

In retrospect I realize I should have been worried that they were playing so quietly together.  In the bathtub.  They assured me they were only throwing washcloths at the tile wall to see whose would stick.  I just asked them not to throw them on the plasterboard ceiling.

What they neglected to tell me was they were standing on the edge of the tub to throw the washcloths.  Of course someone slipped.  Of course it was Timothy -- his superpower is falling out of a recliner while sitting perfectly still.  There was no way he could successfully balance on the edge of a wet and slippery tub.

When I first heard the screams, I thought, "They'll just have to work it out.  I'm making salad."

But the screams didn't stop, and by the time I was halfway up the stairs I was hearing "Mom!  There's blood!"

Oh brother.

Yeah, there was blood.  Lots of it:  the bath water was pink.  And there was an inch-long gash in Timothy's forehead bleeding profusely all over him, the bathtub, the floor.  (Please, not on the carpet!!!!).  Benjamin was standing in the corner crying "It's too loud!" and Jonathan was cheerfully exclaiming, "He has a hole the size of Denmark in his head!" and Timothy was screaming.  And bleeding.

And of course my husband wasn't home AND he had the car  -- he was picking up a visitor at the airport.  Welcome to Costa Rica, Lorraine!

So I called my marvelous neighbors, they took two boys and lent me their car, and Timothy and I drove to the hospital.  I didn't know the words for "inch long gash" in Spanish, so I just peeled off the non-stick bandage I had put on his head and showed the receptionist.  

He blanched, and pointed towards the treatment area.  "Just go right through there.  Please."

"To where?"  I asked.  It's a big area.

"Just show that to any nurse," he assured me.  "They'll take care of you."  He looked a little green.

So we wandered back, showed a nurse, watched him blanch as well, and were immediately ushered to a treatment area.  The emergency room doctor came up, greeted us by name, and asked after all our family members by name as he examined Timothy.  Yeah, we go there a lot.

Our pediatrician came and sewed Timothy up.  Seven stitches:  three in the underlying muscle, four in the skin.  He said he had a nice view of Timothy's skull.  I didn't bother to look.  I was sitting on a chair at the end of the bed, far away from Timothy's skull, feeling rather faint.  

Blood doesn't bother me.  External views of body parts which should be very internal -- that bothers me.  A lot.  I learned about this little weakness of mine while watching my husband get Lasik surgery several years ago.  I was fascinated, but wondered why I was feeling light headed.  I ignored it for a while until it became clear I needed to lie down or risk falling on the doctor who was slicing on my husband's eyes with lasers.  I lay down.

Last night, I was prepared.  I got a chair and sat as far away from the proceedings as possible -- about three feet away from the foot of the bed.  I may have actually been in the hallway, come to think of it.

Timothy was really in very good spirits the whole time.  He didn't want stitches, but when I assured him it was Way Cool to have stitches -- and I had NEVER known a kid to get as many stitches as he was going to need AND be able to see his own skull -- and that kids would be lining up the next day to see his injury, he thought it might be OK.  Better yet, I thought maybe the doctor would have to shave part of his head??  But our hopes were dashed on that count.  The doctor made it up to us by putting in seven whole stitches which, Timothy decided, would guarantee him attention from the whole school.

But the good news is by the time we got home, everyone else had eaten, and the kitchen was clean -- so at least I didn't have to listen to the traditional dinner time screaming.  Timothy was happy because I said he could eat whatever he wanted for supper, and, since I couldn't see Timothy's skull anymore, I was feeling pretty cheerful myself.

And best of all, Timothy has served as an excellent object lesson to the whole neighborhood about Why Not to Stand on the Edge of the Tub.  Nobody in our house even wants to get close to a bathtub anymore.  I guess I'll just be hosing them down in the driveway.

Pass the soap! 

An Open Letter to My (Future) Daughters-in-Law

I'm so sorry.

I've tried; really I have.  When you're watching your husband (my son) one day, wondering why his mother didn't teach him to brush his hair, use good table manners, or put the seat down..... (the actual list of things you'll wonder would probably take two or three years to recite)....  Please know I tried.

We do work on these things at home.  Especially table manners.  Honest, we do.  Nonetheless, at every meal I have to remind someone not to hold his fork like a club; to eat over his plate; to use his fork not his fingers; use his napkin not his shirt...... You get the picture, and it's not pretty.

I have managed to train them to put their clothes away -- just put the pile of clothes on his bed (folded is optional; they won't be when he's done with them), and mention, "You need to put your clothes away before you go to bed."  That, I've managed.  Perhaps in a couple of years when we don't have a gift-from-heaven housekeeper who LOVES to do laundry, I will also teach them how to run a washing machine and dryer.  Stay tuned.

They'll also clean a bathroom -- not perfectly, but better than it was, make their beds, and unload the dishwasher.  With a reminder, that is.

It's the little things like personal hygiene, interpersonal relations (to include table manners), and general picking-up-after-themselves that we just can't manage.  Scattering in all directions like cockroaches, screaming like banshees, and cheerfully choking one another while rolling in the mud -- that, we've managed.

I'm hopeful, though.  I've been making the oldest pay me a dollar every time I catch him wielding his fork like a Neanderthal about to brain a woolly mammoth.  Now he only does it five or six times a meal.  And the little one hasn't put his feet (!!!) on the table in almost a week.  So maybe we are making progress.

I really want you to like me so I'll get to see my grandkids sometimes; it doesn't even have to be at Christmas!  Just don't think horrible things about me when you see the way they've turned out.  I'm fighting a cosmic force:  the male genome.

So, anyway, I just wanted you to know how sorry I am about what you've ended up with.  However, I have learned they'll work for Legos.  Maybe you'll want to give that a try.

Sincerely,

Kelly

Your future mother-in-law

Skinny

Although I don't personally recommend this to anyone -- go have your tonsils removed with red hot pliers, it'd be more fun -- one unintended benefit of a sick-for-nearly-three-weeks family is that I have lost quite a bit of weight.  Maybe as much as eight pounds.  When you're feeling awful and your kids are feeling awful and there's nothing to eat in the house, it's just more fun to go to bed hungry than to actually fix something to eat.  I'm not really sure what my kids ate the last couple of weeks; they all look healthy enough.

Anyway, I am now able to fit into a pair of pants my Mom gave me two years ago that I have never, until now, been able to even zip up.  (Why did I take them?  One of those inexplicable female mysteries.)  Now, not only can I zip them up, they're so loose they're in danger of falling off without a belt.

A skeleton, I am not.  I am still quite "healthy."  However, this silver lining has shown up at a perfect time:  the Marine Corps Birthday Ball (THE social event of the year for the US Embassy) is this Saturday and, again for female reasons unfathomable, the only formal dress I have is actually a full size too small for me.  I bought it KNOWING it was a full size too small.  I decided to buy it while standing in the dressing room recovering from a claustrophobe's panic attack at having to slip the skin-tight sheath (it's not supposed to be skin-tight) over my head and then not being able to breathe because it was so tight.

Yeah.  Not too bright.

So every year a few weeks before the Marine Ball I go into panic mode and end up spending the evening of the ball sitting up very straight, not moving or breathing so I don't split a seam in my much-too-small dress.

I tried my dress on the other day and it was loose.  Loose!  There will be enough room in it this year that I can even wear hose!

And, when I modeled it for the boys, I got a chorus of genuine and enthusiastic WOW!s.  I told them they'd make great husbands some day.

Gotta run -- I need to find my belt before my pants fall off!

Home from the Hospital!

We're home and healthy now!!  And the best part about the last night in the hospital:  the nurses forgot to give Benjamin one dose of his medicine in the middle of the night, so we actually Slept Through The Night!  It was delicious.

We saw the doctor today and he gave us the OK to send Jonathan and Timothy to school tomorrow.  Thank heavens.  There were three F5 tornadoes whirling through my house today.  I'll be glad for them to whirl at school a bit tomorrow -- I have a feeling the school is slightly more indestructible than my house.

And now, of course, I seem to have The Virus:  I woke up this morning with aches, chills, and lungs that hurt whenever I breathe.  Ibuprofen held everything at bay enough that my husband (who has visitors in from Washington, natch) could go to work.  Hopefully this ploy will work tomorrow as well.

Thanks for all your prayers and well-wishes!

Warthog Flu. With Tusks.

Something new seems to have swept through our family in the wake of last week's illness.  Or perhaps it's a continuation.  It's hard to tell.  We thought for a couple of days that it might be the swine flu -- it had all the classic earmarks:  sudden onset of high fever, respiratory distress, extreme tiredness....  Benjamin and Jonathan both had it; mysteriously, Timothy (who can get sick from just looking at a picture of a rainy day) seemed perfectly healthy.  Jonathan 'only' had 102-103 fever and chest pains.  But it was Benjamin who really worried me.  He woke up Thursday morning (the day I had planned to send him to school) with 102 fever and labored breathing, both of which continued intermittently all day.

By Friday morning, we were well ready to take him to a doctor, even at the risk of infecting people at the doctor's office with whatever it was he had.  Dr. Herrera took one look at him, gathered up his stethoscope and said, "We're moving.  I have to admit him to the emergency room."

Apparently, he was worse off than even we suspected.  I think that when you see an ER doctor go pale and the orderlies break into a run of their own accord, things are bad.  Everybody in the ER went pale started running when Benjamin got there.

Diagnosis:  Croup caused by some (as yet) unknown virus.  But croup that had come within 1/8 inch of completely closing off his airway.

So, I'm blogging at the moment from his hospital room.  We spent last night here and will spend at least tonight here, and frankly, I'd be glad with a 3rd night because this virus he has makes him sick for two days, gives him two days off, and then resurfaces.

Today is a 'day off.'  He has no fever; he's breathing AND talking today and quite cheerful.  They took him off the IV at lunch and reduced his oxygen and inhaled medicine to a minimal amount.  He's eating like a horse and starting to get bored.

I am starting to get psychotic.  Knowing that he seems to be heading straight out of the woods has given me the leisure to become grumpy about other things.  Things like:  in a hospital, where you go to get well, it is IMPOSSIBLE to get any type of quality sleep.  Between 8 p.m. last night and 5 a.m. this morning, we averaged about 30 minutes of sleep per hour in the face of malfunctioning equipment (resulting in klaxon alarms sounding repeatedly in my ear.  Once it was because the IV machine battery had run down and it needed to be plugged in.  Took two nurses to diagnose that problem.  Sigh.); interruptions at shift change; the obligatory medicine and temperature interruptions; and someone delivering the NEWSPAPER at 6 a.m!

There's no way for the nurse's station to hear the alarms and malfunctioning equipment, which means that I spent a good deal of the night shuffling down the hall barefoot in my pajamas, bed hair sticking out into several dimensions, trying to think how to say in Spanish that the IV machine is malfunctioning.  Again.  And wondering if I'll be able to understand their response.

So, you can see that if I'm complaining about such petty things, Benjamin is really doing better.

But, when I thought it was the swine flu, and I was listening to him struggle for every breath, I remember thinking:  if ONLY we'd been able to get that vaccination.  I don't know where you stand on the H1N1 vaccination, but this particular scare has left me in no doubt.  It is scary to not know if your child will ever take another breath.  Literally.  And if it comes down to a question of wondering whether this will, literally, be your kid's last breath, you want to know, whatever happens, that you did everything you could to make sure he'd keep breathing.

So that, from a formerly-panicked mom is my plug for getting the swine flu vaccine.

Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick.

But we don't think it's the Swine Flu.  More like Warthog Flu.  Or maybe Wild Boar Flu.  With tusks.

The little one seems to have brought it home from preschool, last Wednesday.  Since then (five days now), he's had off and on fever of about 103, BAD headaches, tummy pains that made him spend a lot of time screaming (And were bad enough that I called his dad home from work to take us to the emergency room.  Then he got better.  Doesn't it always happen that way?).  Oh, and some vomiting for good measure.  He's also been taking 3-5 hour naps.  That part isn't so bad.

We took him to the doctor last week, she said it was a "respiratory virus" (odd, since respiratory problems are the only problems he HASN'T had).  So, we did do our duty as parents.

I came down with a facsimile of this on Friday, spending all day asleep in bed, waking up only long enough to hit "Play" on the computer in bed next to me for the next episode of Backyardigans downloaded from iTunes.  Thank God for iTunes!!

And thank God for a husband who can cook, clean, and take care of small children while his wife drools into her coffee.

And, so, that's the kind of week-end we had.  The other two came down with fevers on Saturday, none of us went to church (despite the fact I was supposed to have been teaching Sunday school!), and all three boys are home today, and maybe tomorrow as well.

Swine flu?  The swine flu doesn't scare me.  I've been bowled over by a rampaging wild boar -- what terror can a standard pig possibly hold for me?!

Cookies? Cookies!!!

I woke this morning to the delicious, but rather disturbing, smell of chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven.  Extra vanilla.  Why disturbing?  Because the oldest person stirring in the house to that point was nine years old, and the youngest has been known to alter the time-space continuum simply by walking through a room.  I really wasn't sure what to expect when I walked into the kitchen.

Yesterday evening, I had come upon Jonathan in the kitchen with flour, butter, sugar, and an electric mixer spread across several acres of my kitchen.  "I'm making cookies!"  He announced.  In response to my worried look, he reassured me:  "I'm even following the recipe this time."  We have had several batches of I-made-it-up-myself-and-cooked-it-in-the-microwave.-Is-a-cup-of-vanilla-too-much? cookies which made the aftermath of a nuclear war look like the Garden of Eden.

But, sure enough, he was following a recipe, so I helped him find a few of the more esoteric ingredients (shortening) and gave him a few pointers (The beaters tend to fall out of this mixer so be careful), and pointedly left the room.

Yes, I know, I'm still in shock myself -- leave an easily-distracted nine-year-old in the kitchen with five pounds of flour and a hot oven?  But one of my main goals for my boys is for them to be good cooks, who like to cook, who can plan a menu, shop, and make a lovely meal.  Because I want my daughters-in-law to like me.  Maybe that way I'll get to see my grandchildren occasionally.  I like my mother-in-law, and I've taken her grandchildren to the other side of the earth.  I know the power daughters-in-law have.

Anyway, back to the cookies.  Jonathan made a very passable batch of cookies.  In fact, except for the fact that I forgot to tell him the vanilla was double strength -- it really did taste like he'd put a cup of vanilla in the cookies -- they were nearly flawless.

But it was still surprising, and a bit disconcerting, to know that he'd turned on the oven with Benjamin unsupervised in the house.  Jonathan, I'm not worried about.  Benjamin, I'm always worried about.

Jonathan confessed, with a cheerful grin, as soon as I came down the stairs, that he had forgotten to take the cookies out of the oven and they were burned to a crisp.  "I call them hockey pucks!"  He announced proudly.  "Benjamin wouldn't even eat them."

I checked the kitchen, and there they were, marble-sized, blackened hockey pucks, still in the pan, still smoking a bit.  Yup, looks like my boys are on their way to becoming excellent cooks -- just like their mom.

At least he remembered to turn off the oven.  In fact, maybe he's turning out to be a better cook than I am.

It's 8 a.m.; Do You Know Where Your Toddler Is?

My husband and I slept until 8 a.m. this Saturday.  It was a blissful experience.  Not since we started having children 9 years 5 months and 6 days ago (but who's counting?) have both of us been able to sleep past about 5:30 or 6:00 a.m.  It was a moment to be savored.

Unfortunately, it was the telephone which woke us.  Telephone calls at 8 a.m on a Saturday morning are rarely good news.

"Hi!  This is (our new next door neighbor, also Americans from the Embassy.  They have a daughter Benjamin's age.).  My husband saw Benjamin wandering around outside this morning and brought him home.  He's been here about an hour.  Is it alright if we feed him breakfast?"

WHAT?!?!

As you might expect, this little tidbit of news rocketed me right into full wakefulness.  After I had apologized that Benjamin had escaped, thanked her profusely for taking care of him, and clawed my way down from the ceiling, I asked myself:  How did this happen?  Did we forget to put the chain on (a chain which, I might add, my six-foot-tall self has to reach UP to unlock)?  Was the door somehow unlocked?  Where had we gone wrong?  How could he have escaped?

He's a Jedi knight, that's how he escaped:  he took his toy light saber, extended it to its full length, and -- without the slightest bit of trouble -- flicked the chain right out of its track.

The fact of his escape also explains how we were able to sleep in so late:  No Benjamin = no noise, no screaming, no crashing thuds or minor earthquakes, no one jumping on our heads = sleep.

This episode was not nearly as serious as it could have been:  we live in a tiny, gated community in which we know almost all of our neighbors.  The night guard is extremely trustworthy and knows Benjamin and knows where he belongs.  Approximately every 30 minutes guards from the Embassy come up to our house to make a visual inspection of our home and the condominio.  Short of tripping, falling, and knocking a tooth out, there's not much trouble Benjamin can get into here.  But doesn't it make your blood run cold just the same to think of a 4-year-old roaming the world alone in his pajamas?  My blood is frozen solid.

We went out that very afternoon and purchased a lock.  And now at night, every night (and sometimes during the day), we bolt the door, put the chain on, and lock the chain to itself so it can't be removed without a key, which I keep up so high even lightsaber boy can't reach it and so well hidden I can't find it most of the time.

We're also putting in a request to the Embassy to have a deadbolt-with-key installed and we're going to start using our malfunctioning-and-the-Embassy-has-no-idea-how-to-repair-it alarm which goes off right by my husband's head whenever the door is opened:  I'd much rather be woken up at 2 a.m. to a mechanical voice stating "Zone 5 in alarm" than at 8 a.m. by a kind neighbor on the telephone.

I Hate Mornings

SLAM! (my bedroom door closing as the four year old comes in at0600 on a Saturday morning.)

Benjamin: "Mom, the boys are playing."

Me:  "Uhnh." (I'm not at my best in the morning)

SLAM! (my bedroom door closing as the four year old leaves at 0601)

SLAM! (my bedroom door closing as the four year old comes in at 0605)

Benjamin:  "Mom, Jonathan yelled at Timothy."

Me:  "Uhnh."

SLAM! (my bedroom closing as the four year old leaves at 0606)

SLAM! (my bedroom door closing as the four year old comes in at 0608)

Benjamin:  "Mom, are you awake yet?"

Me:  "Uhnh."

SLAM! (my bedroom closing as the four year old leaves at 0609)

SLAM! (my bedroom door closing as the four year old comes in at 0612)

Benjamin:  "Mom, are we going to the volcano today?"

Me:  "Uhnh."

SLAM! (my bedroom closing as the four year old leaves at 0613)

SLAM! (my bedroom door closing as the four year old comes in at 0617)

Benjamin:  "Mom, I made my bed."

Me:  "Uhnh???"

SLAM! (my bedroom closing as the four year old leaves at 0618)

SLAM! (my bedroom door closing as the four year old comes in at 0622)

Benjamin:  "Mom, I got dressed in my lizard shirt."

Me:  "Uhnh???"

SLAM! (my bedroom closing as the four year old leaves at 0623)

SLAM! (my bedroom door closing as the four year old comes in at 0626)

Benjamin:  "Mom, I got my backpack ready."

Me:  (Cracking one eye to see him wearing his bright yellow traveling backpack) "Uhnh?!"

SLAM! (my bedroom closing as the four year old leaves at 0627)

Groan.  Creak.  Sigh.  (My husband getting out of bed at 0628.)

We’re going to Arenal Volcano today.  I think Benjamin is ready to go.  NOW.

But, he did make his bed (????!!!) and he did get dressed – he even showed me proudly that he remembered to put on underwear – so how can I really complain?

Gotta run.  Benjamin’s got the keys and he’s headed for the car.

Light Saber Battle with Squirrel

I stepped outside today to put the trash by the curb, and was startled by some movement in the bushes by our house.  It was a squirrel.  A cute, fuzzy little squirrel with a black body and red feet.  Awwww, how sweet, I thought as I watched it scamper and cavort innocently across my carport.

Then, as I turned to go back in my house, I saw this cute little furry creature headed straight for my open front door.  “No!”  I cried.  “No, you unmentionable little rodent, keep your filthy self out of my house!”

But this was a Costa Rican squirrel; it didn’t speak English.  It ran inside.  And a black cloud obscured my vision as I imagined the infinite number of horrible things a terrified squirrel could do to the government-issued furniture I would be responsible for paying for if it felt trapped in my house.  I recovered just in time to watch it disappear into the partly-open coat closet by the front door.

“Ah ha!  I’ve got you now,” I chuckled, rubbing my hands together in glee.  And I closed the door to the closet.  Then my four year old and I set about constructing a barricade:  a large box, a large basket, a rolled up carpet holding everything together for good measure.  And Benjamin standing behind all this waving his hands, making noise like only a four year old can, and doing everything possible to look terrifying to a squirrel.  There was only one place for this rodent of questionable parentage to go:  out.  I was sure.

I was wrong.  Rather than head for the vast, wide-open spaces of the great outdoors, just a few tantalizing feet away to the right through my still-open front door, it turned left, squeezed through an invisible and microscopic hole, ran between Benjamin’s feet, and into the guest bathroom.  Good thing we didn’t have any guests.

I picked up a light saber lying conveniently nearby and tried a little Skywalker action on the rodent.  He was unimpressed, and continued to skulk in the dark recesses of my bathroom underneath the sink.  I’m guessing if I can’t look threatening to a tiny mammal, I have zero future guarding and defending the galaxy as a Jedi knight.

And then I came to my senses and I was glad I was not a Jedi:  the bathroom door opens at the foot of the stairs.  Were our visitor to actually run out of the bathroom, his track record indicated he’d head straight upstairs.  I put the light saber away.

I considered building a second containment barricade, but Benjamin was showing a decided interest in staying as far from our furry visitor as possible.  I couldn’t count on him to be scary again.  And besides, look how well our first attempt had worked.  We’re just not scary enough for squirrels.

And once again, visions of a terrified rodent loose in my house rose before my eyes.  And this time, in the background, I could hear the Administrative Counselor intoning, “You are a dependent spouse, not an animal control specialist.  Why didn’t you call the Embassy in the first place?”  As he hands me a bill for $3,000 to repair the furniture and the holes the workmen have had to knock in the wall to evict the squirrel.

I locked the squirrel in the bathroom.

So whom, exactly, does one call to remove a squirrel from government quarters?  Not my husband, who had thoughtlessly left for lunch just moments before I phoned.  Not the Office of Defense Cooperation, which was the first wrong number I got.  Not the Housing Coordinator, which was the next wrong number I got – although she and I did have a very nice chat anyway.  On my fourth try I found Maintenance, who sent a lovely young man over with a stick and a blanket to battle our fierce little visitor. 

Now that an official Embassy representative was present, I didn’t mind a bit if the squirrel decided to take off upstairs.  So when the nice young man suggested I could scare the squirrel out with a stick while he captured it in a blanket, I just smiled serenely, completely unaffected by the sheer madness of the plan.  I even thought of suggesting I could use the light saber instead – it was a bit longer.  I still had visions of a squirrel burrowing into my mattress.  But now, the Embassy would foot the bill.  Ha ha.  Burrow, you furry little rodent!  Go ahead and burrow!!

Of course, as soon as the nice young man opened the bathroom door, the squirrel scooted right out the front door at near light speed.  I heard the little sonic boom as it passed me. 

And the young man and I smiled and laughed, and in his eyes I could read “silly female” as he looked at me, and in my eyes he should have read “If anything went wrong it would have been your fault!”

Oh Frabjous Day!! Callooh! Callay!

She chortled in her joy!

A friend has loaned me her breadmaker!!  Come to my arms my beamish.... friend.

Well, it doesn't have quite the same ring as the original, but it certainly captures my feelings.  

I was working hard to re-tool my kitchen (and myself) to make lots and lots of bread without a bread maker, and had already produced a pretty decent loaf.  Only problem: the bread pans I have must be for 4 lb loaves of bread, because my dough, event though it rose beautifully, more or less just puddled in this huge container.  The loaf turned out about as high as a soda cracker is wide.  Somehow, just not quite as satisfying.  And with children who Refuse to Eat (even imaginary) Crusts, well, not a lot of bread was actually getting inside anyone.

So, thank you, Jeanne!!

Callooh!  Callay!!

It's a Sad, Sad, Sad, Sad Day

There is moaning and wailing; weeping and groaning.  Even some gnashing of teeth and rending of clothes (well, I got flour on myself, does that count?):  my breadmaker died last night.

I am well aware that in most households, this would qualify for a brief "Darn," and life would move on.

In our house, life has come to a screeching halt.  Because I use this breadmaker nearly every day.  It is my lifeline; it is my hope; it is my only succour in times of screaming; and the only thing standing between me and screaming-meemie children.

You may remember that two of my boys can't eat wheat and that, consequently, I have to make all our own bread.  You may also recall that these two boys are extremely picky eaters (to the point of occasionally and uncontrollably barfing on Mom to remind her that they Still Do Not Like Green Beans.  We skated real close to that territory tonight, as a matter of fact.); and their main sources of nutrition for two meals each day are toast and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  They have to eat what I fix and be happy at supper, but that's the only battle I have strength enough to face every day.  I'm good with toast and PB&J.

So, when I say my breadmaker has died, it is cause for sackcloth and ashes.

I promptly wrote the company and asked about replacement parts.  Guess what?  This model was discontinued FIVE YEARS before I bought it fifteen years ago in an overseas military PX.

You have a point:  15 years is a long time for any appliance to last.  But my husband's 20+ year-old toaster oven is still working; why not my breadmaker??  Why couldn't it have given me some warning:  flashed a little light; emitted some smoke for a few days; or treated us to the sound of screeching gears?  No, it just died.  Abruptly.  And I shed a little tear.

There is one light at the end of the long, dark tunnel until we can get a new breadmaker:  Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day.  And they're not kidding.  Check it out.  And, dang it's good.  But Artisan Bread does not make good American PB&J sandwiches.  So I see a lot of trial, even more error, and lots of hockey pucks in our immediate future until I get a new recipe worked out.

So, what did I do with the dough the machine was kneading when it conked?  Stuck it in a pan, let it rise, and turned it into a very respectable looking hockey puck.  I fed it to the children for breakfast this morning.  They started to scream, but took one look at me and the flames shooting from my eyes and the ends of my hair and meekly gnawed their toast.

Bread anyone?  

I thought not.

Talent Show

The boys' school had a talent show on Friday night:  planned, organized, and completely run by the students themselves.  They also organized a bake sale and an art show and sale to raise money for their respective classes' community service projects.  Pretty amazing when you realize this school only goes up to fifth grade!

Oldest didn't feel he had a talent he wanted to share (his karate is rusty and a discussion of Relativity and Quantum Mechanics might have put most of us to sleep), but the middle one wanted to read a poem.  He wouldn't read it at home.  He wouldn't practice.  He kept stumbling over some of the longer words.  I was in a panic for him.  I know about talent shows.  I know how cruel they can be.  But he was sure he wanted to do this, so I gave him a lipstick kiss (at his request:  I put on lipstick and then gave him a big smoochie kiss on the cheek.  The boys loved these when they were in preschool; I guess they felt like they had a bit of mom with them.  Anyway, I gave one to Timothy.  He liked it.)

So, they call his name and he walks out under the bright lights in front of about 400 people.  He's only about three feet tall and tiny; they had trouble getting the mike to go down that low.  My blood pressure is through the roof, my heart is pounding.

And cool as a cucumber, Timothy starts to read in his perfect, clear, little boy voice, slurring the S's a bit in his efforts not to say "sh":  "True Story" by Shel Silverstein.   (From my faulty memory):

I got up this morning went out for a ride

But some wild outlaws chased me and shot me in the side

So I went into a wildcat's cave to find a place to hide

But some pirates found me and soon they had me tied

To a pole (I almost cried)

But a mermaid came and freed me and begged to be my bride.....

And at this point, Timothy turned his cheek to the audience to show the kiss I'd given him, pointed at it, and chirped out, with absolutely perfect comedic timing:  "And she kissed me!"

And the audience went wild!  The laughed so loud and so long and so hard, I wasn't sure Timothy would be able to finish.  But then, again, with perfect timing, he waited until the laughter had died down to exactly the right place, and started reading again.

And the poem ends (after a broken engagement with a mermaid, encounters with jungles, water snakes, and cannibals):

And an eagle swooped me up and through the air we flied,

And he dropped me into a boiling lake a thousand miles wide.

And you'll never guess what I did then:  I DIED!

And of course I didn't get any pictures because we'd forgotten the camera.  Sigh.  I'm a D- mom this week.

Oh, the crowd loved him again at the end.  I think he was proud of himself.

And I was actually, quite proud of the kids who ran and attended the talent show:  EVERYONE, no matter how awful, got a vigorous, healthy, encouraging round of applause, led every time by the kids.  We had to leave before it was over, but I heard today that one of the final performers, a 5th grade girl who was supposed to sing a solo, burst into tears with stage fright at the critical moment.

But, instead of a teacher coming to usher her comfortingly off stage, several girls from her class jumped down out of the audience, ran to stand with her, and from behind her back encouraged the audience to give her a round of applause.  And then she finished the song in a blaze of glory.

What a great evening.  What nice kids.

Batman's Secret Identity

Imagine "Willow" meets the Caped Crusader.  That's what's living in my house this week.

Benjamin got -- at his express request from the absolute best most amazing dad in the world -- a complete head-to-toe Batman costume:  Mask, gauntlets, cape, utility belt (with, I'm informed, a container of Shark Repellent Bat Spray), and full-body black suit.

He hasn't taken it off in two days.  We've persuaded him that even Bruce Wayne wears PJ's to bed, so at least he's not sleeping in it.  And he doesn't wear it to preschool, but he does take it in a backpack.  He even talked me into letting him wear the mask and utility belt at the grocery store.  You can imagine the looks we got.  In Costa Rica.

I'm starting to forget what his face looks like:  he eats with his mask on; plays with his mask on; watches Batman re-runs on the computer (another gift from Dad) with his mask on; and yesterday, he even took a bath with his mask on.

This is a new thing for us.  My two older boys are a bit.... weird.... For them, "dress up" consists of either coating themselves in bubbles in the bathtub or cutting large chunks out of their hair.  We're beginning to suspect that Benjamin is the most "normal" of the bunch, but from where we've been with the other two, "normal" looks a bit "strange."

But oh so cute! as he runs down the street with his tiny cape flapping in the wind, tiny bat ears sticking up over his head, tiny bare feet pattering on the asphalt, going off (as he says) to look for his friend Robin.

Gotham City bad guys, watch out:  Batman is coming for you!

How to Host the World's Best Kids' Birthday Party

I just threw the world's best, most awesome, wonderful turning-four-years-old birthday party.

We had NONE of the following:

1. Games

2.  Ice cream (we're allergic anyway)

3.  Matching plates, cute napkins, or theme tablecloths

4.  Balloons

5.  Goody bags

6.  Screaming four year olds

7.  Loud music (a fixture at parties here)

8.  Pinatas (another fixture)

9.  Dancing (my least favorite fixture.  And yes, for toddlers too.)

10.  Pizza (which I would have had to make)

11.  Expensive "place to have birthday" rental

12.  Stress.

We DID have:

1.  Three families my whole family loves (with nice, non-screaming, non-mean, non-fighting kids.  Eleven of them, ranging in age from 10 to 4.)

2.  Cake

3.  Candles

4.  Heartfelt rendition of "Happy Birthday" in at least two languages

5.  Fun

We may have even remembered to take a picture or two.  My new four-year-old was delighted at the amount of attention paid him (20 people in our house in his honor!!), the cake, and getting to blow out candles.  After that little ceremony, the kids ran and played all over the house (there was a great deal of Tropical Rain outside or we would have shooed them into the street), and the adults sat and visited over a glass of wine.  Since I had invited everyone for "Kaffee und Kuchen" (the German ritual of afternoon coffee & cake), I didn't even have to cook a meal.

I had an AWESOME afternoon.

Best of all, so did my not-such-a-baby-anymore!!

Happy Mother's Day to Me!

Some positively brilliant person at our church scheduled the week-end-long women's retreat at the beach for this coming week-end.  I'm going.

I'm driving with a friend and we are planning to leave the house at 8 a.m. tomorrow, to arrive around 10 a.m.  The retreat does not start until 7 p.m., and we're not even allowed to check in -- not even with the preferred membership status my friend has -- until 1 p.m.  We don't care:  we're mothers of small children and we're going to make every minute of silence count!

The other great thing is that Costa Rican mothers day is in August.  And it's a national holiday, so I'm set for this year!

I'm going to miss my husband and my kids. I'm going to miss getting snuggles and sloppy kisses on Sunday.  But I'm planning to work very hard to make up for that the rest of the year!

Easter Sunday

Nine years ago, today was Easter Sunday.  

Amazing, huh?  How do I remember?  Am I one of those calendar date savants?  Nope, I'm just a mom:  I remember because I was in labor and on the way to the hospital in the wee hours of that morning.

Predictably, we got pulled over for speeding.  In sight of the hospital.

The policeman swaggered up to the car, "Excuse me sir, is there a reason you were going 55 mph in a 35 zone?"

"Well, actually, officer, my wife is in labor."

Somehow it sounded too much like a movie for the guy to believe my husband. "You're not serious?!"

"Damn straight!" I growled from the passenger seat.

He took one look at my bared teeth, shouted "Follow me!" and leapt into his patrol car, lights flashing, and escorted us to the hospital, about 400 yards away.

Our firstborn was born an hour later.

Once the world had stopped shifting around me and the profound truth of my new life had settled in a bit, my first coherent thought, after glancing at the clock and seeing it was 'only' 3:30 a.m., was:  "Oh, good!  We can still make it to church!"

Then I promptly fell asleep.

Somehow, I didn't feel like I'd missed Easter that year.

Barfing

When your six-year-old tells you in the middle of church that he's going to barf, take him seriously.

I didn't take him seriously enough.  We didn't quite make it out of the sanctuary.

Sigh.

Resurrection Eggs (r)

For those of you who are interested, here's a link to the FamilyLife website where the Resurrection Eggs (r) are sold.  

I love them because not only are they a great, visual way to tell the Easter story to kids, they also give me the power to appropriate a common cultural symbol (the Easter egg) for MY OWN PURPOSES!!!  Bwah ha ha ha!!!  

Now, when my kids see an Easter egg, they don't just think "Candy, egg hunt, Easter bunny!"  They think, "Oh, great!  The story about Jesus!  Would you tell it again, Mom?"  I know this because every year when Easter eggs start to appear, that's exactly what they say to me.  Over and over and over and over.

I like that.

Easter (Whoosh, there it goes!)

I love Easter.  It is by far my favorite holiday of the year:  all the fun of Christmas with none of the stress.  I mean, there's stuff to decorate, fun traditions, great candy, extraordinary religious significance, and much better weather than Christmas.  And no one expects Easter cards.

In our family growing up we used to make Easter nests, not very religious but hugely fun -- grass "nests" decorated with whatever flowers were blooming.  My mom would then fill these with tiny gifts and candy on Easter morning.  I've carried on this tradition with my kids off and on depending on what kind of foliage was available where we were.  Great foliage here, but completely dropped the ball on that one.  Did I mention I forgot the gifts, too?

Oh, well, that's OK because the kids asked to dye eggs.  That's fun and easy!  Dropped the ball on that one too.  Until yesterday evening, we were down to 2 (brown) eggs in the house and nothing that even remotely resembled egg dye. 

Easter candy?  Well, a friend gave us some for the Easter egg hunt SHE planned for today.  We at least managed to attend that, but having forgotten everything else, it made my Easter feel rather lopsided.

I've also got a great collection of handpainted Easter eggs that I picked up in Germany and Croatia that are to be hung on a flowering branch during the Easter season.  Oops, they're still packed away.

Usually the best part of the lead up to Easter is the "Resurrection Eggs" we have:  a collection of 12 plastic eggs, each containing a different tiny something that connects to the Easter story:  a tiny donkey (for Palm Sunday); a tiny crown of thorns, a tiny pair of dice.... etc.  The last egg, of course, is empty, just like Jesus' tomb on Easter morning.  My kids LOVE these and would happily go through them every night for weeks as their bedtime story.  They're on top of the bookshelf.  I remembered ONCE to get them out.

And surely we did Easter crafts and projects to remind us of the significance of this season?  Nope.  Nada.

I taught Sunday school this morning at church (sixteen 3-5 year olds!!!), and so surely there was an opportunity to remember the reason for Easter there?  Well, the lesson was on King AHAB.  Hmmm.  Can YOU make a connection???  Me neither.

I just don't know what happened this year, but Easter somehow slipped up on us and slipped right by and I hardly knew it.  I'm going to blame it on moving to a new country and being sick last week.  (But I'm afraid it may be something more significant than that!)  In fact, this Easter may have even surpassed the year my oldest set his hair on fire during an Easter Eve church service.  Didn't really think it could get much worse than that!  (Wearmanyhats, eat your heart out!) 

But, as I was reminded at church today, these sorts of little "lapses" (and others much too big to mention) are sort of the reason that Easter Sunday is such a big deal:  proof that there's Someone who knows me inside out, and loves me anyway.  Thank goodness.

He is risen!

He is risen indeed!

R.I.P. Or not.

The middle one woke me this morning with the news that Sparkles the fish was dead.  Poor little Sparkles; he died as he’d lived the last week of his life:  upside down.

We shed a tear together and snuggled on the chair next to the fish tank.  Then there was a cheerful burial outside – with plans for a funeral service when the neighbor kids return – and then everyone (but me!!) piled in the car to get another fish.  And maybe go to McDonald’s as well.

No one seems too traumatized and life is moving along happily.

Except Sparkles isn’t the only creature in our house which has passed on to another existence:  my husband’s computer has died.

I thought it was a life-altering catastrophe when MY computer died.  That was small potatoes compared to the death of his computer.  Because now all the time that he would normally spend on his computer (which is, um, a lot) he now spends on my computer (OK, not ALL the time; he's exercised remarkable restraint.  And there are those pesky taxes to finish up.).  And in addition, just before his computer died he had promised the kids he would re-load their favorite game on to his computer, thinking it would be a great, quiet activity for sick kids over a long holiday.

Well, his computer’s out of commission.  Guess whose computer that leaves?  Right.  Mine.

So, between Gary trying to sort out repairs for his computer and get our taxes organized on my computer, and the kids fighting for game time (wait, I though this was supposed to be a QUIET activity!!), well, that leaves surprisingly few hours in the day.

When no one was looking, I grabbed my laptop and ran.  I am currently locked in the bathroom and am steadfastly ignoring all three children, who are shouting and banging on the door.   I think I can hold out for at least another fifteen minutes, but if you get this message, come quickly; I left my power cord in the spare bedroom!

 . . . - - - . . .    . . . - - - . . .    . . . - - - . . . 

Brain Damaged Fish

The kids and I are not the only sick ones in the house.  We have a sick fish.

Remember that fish – a Betta named Sparkles- we were gifted for the middle one’s birthday because I Don’t Speak Spanish and thought we were getting a bathtub toy?  Well, we still have it.  And to support this one fish, we’ve found it necessary to purchase a 5-gallon tank, a plico (don’t EVEN check my spelling), three tiny catfish, and a cache of food/supplemental minerals/water detoxifyer/filters/gravel/fake plants/and tank cleaner that would make any major chain of pet stores envious.  Except one of the catfish went belly-up and one exploded (um, yes), so we’re down to a total of three fish.  But that could change at any moment.

Because Sparkles is sick.  How do you know a fish is sick?  Well, when one of its eyeballs sucks in and the other swells up to the size of….. OK, I’ll spare you the details because I’M getting a little queasy.  Sparkles is sick.  Really really really really really sick.  My husband has been expecting/hoping to have a little fish funeral for about a week now.

But, to paraphrase (and I say this with all seriousness):  “The effective fervent prayer of a 6-year-old concerned about his fish, availeth much.”  Sparkles has had a nothing-short-of-miraculous recovery.

That is to say, he’s not dead.  But he is, apparently blind and brain damaged.

How do you know, I’m sure you are thinking, if a FISH is brain damaged?  I mean, what’s the difference?  (Can you tell I’m not a fish person??)  Well, the swimming upside down thing is a clue.  Another clue is:  he can’t find the food we put out for him.  Even when it lands on his nose.  So, there he is, swimming upside down in circles trying to find the food that’s, literally, right in front of his nose.  It’s the most heart-rendingly pathetic thing I’ve seen in a long time.

I don’t really care for fish – they sort of fit in the category of “bugs” which I REALLY don’t like – but apparently I’m soft hearted to the point of idiocy because do you know what I’m doing for Sparkles?  Feeding him by hand.  I cannot believe I am saying this.  I spend 10-15 minutes every day patiently dropping tiny pellets of food right on his nose until he manages to catch 2 or 3 of them.  Poor Sparkles.

But you know, I’m not really doing it for Sparkles.  It’s my 6-year-old – who wavers between completely unconcerned and teary-eyed at the thought of his poor fish.  But I’m a mom; I’m not fooled.  I know he’ll really be heartbroken if Sparkles dies.  Maybe only for 15 minutes; maybe only till we get another fish, but it’s his little heart breaking that I’m trying to stave off.  If Sparkles dies, well, we’ll have a little life lesson.  I just don’t want it to come on my watch!

Oh, the things we do for our kids!

Breaking and Entering

My toddler has just added another page to his rap sheet:  breaking and entering.  Well, the door was unlocked, so does that just make it "entering"?  And does that count as another "strike" before he spends the rest of his natural life behind bars???

I sent him outside to tell his brothers that the pizza was ready.  In the time it took me to finish my sentence to my husband, put a plate in the dishwasher, and wash my hands, the 3-year-old had gone outside, apparently scooped up mud with two hands, left a lovely pattern of muddy handprints all down the side of our white car, and vanished.

My husband sighed and started washing off the handprints.  I sent the brothers (who, surprisingly!, had heard nothing from the little one) inside.  Then I checked all his usual haunts:  the playground, the "clubhouse" and the friend's house where he swiped the car last time.  He's started making himself at home in their TV room as well, so I even asked the mom to check there as well.  No sign of him.

That left only one place:  the home of our neighbor who had just (2 hours before) returned from having surgery at the hospital.

Now, lest you think I am totally negligent, we had had a LONG conversation about going to this house.  I made it perfectly clear, even to a three-year-old of limited intelligence (which I'm starting to suspect here) that NO ONE was home except the mom, and she was very sick and in bed.  His 4-year-old friend was NOT THERE and he was, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES to go down there.

Well, of course that's where he went.  I didn't even have to open the door to know he was there:  He'd left his muddy shoes in front of the door and muddy handprints all over the wall.  No, I take that back, it wasn't just handprints, it looked like a Jasper Johns masterpiece.  At least I'm glad he didn't take all that mud inside??

And yes, that's where he was:  inside.  I gathered from him that he'd had quite a little discussion with my friend, who was upstairs in bed trying to enjoy her morphine in peace.  I'm just hoping that she'll be too befuddled to remember much of his visit.

Hoo, boy, was he in trouble!  Among other things, he's on total lockdown for the rest of the week-end.  I wanted to make it for the whole week, but about 15 minutes after the incident, it was clear he wasn't even really sure he remembered what all the fuss was about.  Sigh.

But, as last time, his little felony ended with a neighborhood party:  at our house.  The dad and four kids came for pizza (I apologized profusely!) and not long after, two other neighbors showed up with a casserole for the just-out-of-the-hospital family.  My brilliant husband thought to make popcorn and put on a good movie for the kids, and the adults sat at the kitchen table drinking nice wine and eating some chili I'd made.  It was one of the nicest evenings we'd had in a long time; one of those perfect, comfortable evenings with good friends.

So here's the question:  there are still some people on our block I haven't met yet.  Do I send the three-year-old over to help with a nefarious introduction?  Or should I just bake cookies?

Wow! An Award!

Thank you to Alana of Women's Blogger Directory for nominating The Embassy Wife for the Sisterhood Award!  What a great way to encourage fellow women bloggers.

I'll just 'fess up:  I'm such a blogging newbie that I had no idea what this was at first, and then I started checking out some previous nominees.  The Embassy Wife is in sterling company.  In fact, she's quite a bit intimidated by these amazing bloggers and is trying to hide behind the punch bowl so no one will notice her and eject her from the party!  Wandering Pam and Scribble City Central blogs are just plain beautiful, and Willow Dreams is heartbreakingly beautiful.

As I understand it, I now get to nominate at least 5 other women bloggers for this award, and these ladies in turn are asked to pass on support (in the form of nominations!) to at least five other women bloggers.

You'll notice that many of my nominations below are from PNN.  I really am a neophyte when it comes to blogging, and most of my blogging "friends" are here!  And the nominations are -- 

Kimink by Kimberly Michalski -- Not only does Kim have a fun and gentle way of looking at the world (so welcome in my hectic life), she is an outstanding photographer and an excellent mentor as well.  She has really taken me under her wing and showed me how to (begin to be!) a blogger.  Thank you, Kim!

Mamabear -- Somehow, in the midst of dealing with a son with autism and a daughter with ADHD she keeps a smile on her face and one in my heart.  Reading her posts is just a joy (and a lot of fun besides)!

Wearmanyhats -- This is such a fun, humorous blog to read, and Wearmany hats also has a real gift for taking an everyday catastrophe, turning it into a great belly laugh, and then pulling out of it a remarkable life lesson.

Grade-by-Grade -- This is Trish Wilkinson and she has a companion website at www.gradebygrade.com.  Trish is an elementary school teacher who is committed to helping parents successfully get their elementary-aged kids through school.  Her blog and website are a WEALTH of really useful information. Her advice has helped us turn my oldest son's school year from a potential disaster to what looks like will be a year to remember in a very happy way.  Thanks, Trish!

Wattwork -- Kathleen Watt is a former-opera singer for the New York Met and a survivor of a cancer that has claimed half of her face.  She is a woman of phenomenal courage who is currently writing a book on her experiences, and this is her blog.  This blog is relatively new, and Kathleen doesn't post often (I'm hoping to goad her into more posts!), but her writing is so completely lyrical and moving that you'll find yourself hanging on her every word.  I think Kathleen could make a grocery list sound poetic.  You can also catch up with her at her website.

Up the Ben and Down the Boozer -- (I'm cheating and posting six nominees!) This is a laugh-until-the-tears-roll-down-your-face sort of blog.  Meg Robbins is an exceptionally talented writer and traveler, and if you've ever wanted to not just go to, but really experience, Great Britain, this is the place for you.  And if you just need a good laugh, she's great for that too!

Here are the rules for this award, shamelessly copied directly off of Wandering Pam's blog (thank you so much for your help, Pam!):

1.  Put the logo on your blog or post.

2. Nominate at least 5 blogs which show great "ATTITUDE" and/or "GRATITUDE".

3.  Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.

4.  Let your nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.

5.  Be sure you link your nomination post to the person who nominated you!

Once again, thank you Alana at Women's Blogger Directory -- you've passed on such a lovely gift!

Evil Plot? Or Technologically Challenged?

Is it just me?  Or does this happen to you:

Yesterday, we were having problems with our internet.  I'm not technically savvy, so I don't know if it was the cable modem, the router, the wireless thingy or what.  But I know what to do, and I did it:  unplug all relevant boxes, plug them back in.  No internet.  

So I reseated all the connectors.  No internet.

So I unplugged and re-plugged everything two more times.  No internet.

So I started fiddling with settings in my computer.  No internet.

For good measure, I unplugged and re-plugged everything one more time.  No internet.

My husband (the technical guru) walked in the room, and I mentioned with a sigh that we were having problems with our internet connection.

He said, "Hmm," picked up the wireless thingy, jiggled the power connection (which I had unplugged and replugged SEVERAL TIMES), and our internet came back up.  Immediately.

"Technology likes me," he said as I glared daggers at him and that little plastic box.

I'm not sure if I want to shake my husband or smash the box.  Probably shouldn't do either, then I'd have no internet, and no one to "fix" it.